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Tuesday, 28 July 2015

7 Weird Things People Do In Church – Must Read


These are my 7 weirdest things that we exhibit in churches…
1) The act of ‘sleeping without closing your eyes’ ; I learnt this act many years ago, especially in churches where the ushers are very stubborn and keep tapping you every time you shut your eyes. This act can only be done by Pros. It requires you making your eyes being wide open, but your body in deep sleep. The only problem here is that pray you don’t get called upon by the pastor to answer a question, a friend of mine whose name is emmanuel was practicing the act one vigil night when our pastor (who was about starting another round of prayer) shouted ‘God of Emmanuel!’, my friend Jolted back to reality on hearing ‘emmanuel’, stood up and said (in a very loud tone) ‘sir, I am listening’. I couldn’t help the laughter that day and the look on his face was worse than Mr Ibu’s.
2) The Church ‘Madmathecian'; if you get extremely bored in church, you tend to; firstly, look around you to check if any familiar face is around you, then, ultimately, you turn into a ‘madmathecian’ by counting things in the church nobody asked you to count. You start counting the number of fans, how many chairs are in church, the number of choir members, etc. When it gets extremely worse is when you start calculating how much the church receive in terms of Member’s tithe. Or how much different members might drop as tithe. By this time, you are no longer in the church, neither would you ever understand what the pastor is saying even if he keeps repeating himself. Smh for you.
3) The ‘Lookozade'; this act is the most common by church goers, it requires you to look as if you are paying apt attention to what the preacher is saying, while your mind can wander of… Very often than not, your mind can wander of to something quite sinful (sex, alcohol, etc) only for you to remind yourself of being in the house of God, trying to be attentive to what the preacher is saying once again, and go back to the beginning by ‘lookozading’ some more! You for no kuku come church sef.
4. African time; this occurs when a church extends it closing time in a service, I like to call it ‘overtime’. For instance, a church is billed to close by 1 pm, just some few minutes after the ‘supposedly’ closing time you hear announcement of something like ‘we will now go into our thanksgiving sunday program’, some people fit faint sef. It happened once to a friend of mine whom I dragged to church and assured him we would close by 12, after 12 like this he was staring at me with a killer’s eyes, by 1 the pastor announced that the kids were to present something to the church (as per children’s day), this my guy eyes done red finish, he was headed outside when I rushed to him to plead he stayed for the grace. The worse part was immediately after service, na beer parlor my guy rush go straight. Smh for some people.
5) ‘deceitful humming'; this is done during praise worship. Every body else seems to know the song very well except you!, you no fit carry last na! Hum away my friend,just pray they change the song to the ones you know soonest!
6) Being ‘alone’ in the church; this happened to me once, when we were told to stand up and pray, me I dey hammer the prayer sotay, I did not hear when the pastor told everyone to sit down, after a while, as I no hear pastor again, I just open one eye discover say the whole world done siddon and na only me dey pray! This salary matter sha! You might end up being alone in the church if you don’t open your eyes and look around you. Professional church goers always shine their eyes even when you are told not to
7. Lusting after a beautiful member; if there is a beautiful church member that is your taste right beside you, then satan done catch you for that day! You end up being self conscious all through, your thoughts leave the church and goes into your bedroom with the girl/guy, you first start to steal glances, from there your mind advances to strike a conversation or meeting, somehow for you as satan dey dance shoki for your life.


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